Doctor Who - Preview "Let's Kill Hitler"

Jelly Babies

Not just for snack time any more!



Jelly Babies are a complete part of this nutritious breakfast.



Approved by 4 out of 5 Doctors.



Remember, Jelly Babies are fully endorsed by Jeffrey Scott



Special thanks to the 'Sugar Shack' for sponsoring the Jelly Babies photo shoot.

Death Star to Open Daycare Center*

*An Onion Reprint
After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care centre to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care centre, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by July 1.

The new Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center provides battle station parents with a fun and safe environment for their children. The Imperial Emperor himself has overseen games of Duck Duck Goose encouraging the tots to "feel the hatred".

"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Centre," the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive power." Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star Centre is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead. "Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Centre have already witnessed the destruction of several planets out the centre's giant bay window. Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was vacationing in Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her.

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center sprang up after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality, affordable child care options on the Death Star. "As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care centre," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn." Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

As excited as most are about the new day care centre, a few extremists have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core.

"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single, well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station." Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a million to one."
-- Taken from ONION, INC., (www.theonion.com, Volume 29, issue 18) Copyright 1996. This article is no longer available on The ONION's archives.

The Muppet Show - In Space

The Muppet Show in space? Here's an example of what that might look like.

The Daleks Take the Easy Route

It seems the Daleks have decided to exterminate humanity the lazy way. By introducing kids to the concept of smoking. Perhaps the decree of 'Ex-Ter-Min-Ate' should be replaced with 'Lung Can-Cer'. Seriously though, it makes sense. Why expend vast amounts of Dalekanium resources on building bombs, time machines or explosive androids when they can take the easy route. Expose children to these 'candy' cigarettes so they will become comfortable with the idea. This should make the jump to real cigarettes flow so much smoother. I smell the collaboration of Joe Camel and Davros.

Time Travel Museum

November 5th, 1955 is supposedly the date time travel was invented. And yet scientists have recently discovered time travel has been with us and will be for a long time. These time travel devices come in many shapes and sizes and even their special abilities differ. Below are a few of my favourite portable and semi-portable machines. Each currently residing in the forth-coming - Time Travel Museum

Name: Time Machine
History: To discover how mankind will evolve, George creates a time machine. Based on the book by H.G.Wells.
Ease of Use: High - Move lever forward to go forward in time and backward to go backwards.
Special Features: Can watch the passage of time as you travel.
First Appearance: The Time Machine, written by H.G. Wells 1895
Quote: "If that machine can do what you say it can do, destroy it, George! Destroy it before it destroys you!" - Filby

Name: Time Bubble
History: Used in the distant future (31st century) by a Legion of Super Heroes to travel back and forth to the 21st century (and other eras).
Ease of Use: Average - Apparently can be used with just a little technical training.
Special Features: Travels in space as well as time.
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #247 - April 1958
Quote: "Wait.. Wasn't the time bubble on THAT side of the room?" - Saturn Girl

Name:Tardis
History: Used by the renegade Time Lord known only as "The Doctor"
Ease of Use: Difficult - Even the Doctor has problems steering the Tardis.
Special Features: Can travel in space as well as time. The inside is vastly bigger than the outside.
First Appearance: BBC Television - November 23, 1963
Quote: "It's bigger on the inside than on the outside." - Almost every companion of the Doctor.

Name: Omni
History: When history goes wrong, it's Phineas Boggs job to correct things.
Ease of Use: High - Simply set the location and time and press a button.
Special Features: Indicates when history is wrong, and when it has been corrected. Travels in location as well as time.
First Appearance: Voyagers TV series - 1982
Quote: "We travel through time, to help history along, give it a push where it's needed." - Phineas Bogg

Name: Flying Delorean
History: Created by Doctor Brown to keep tabs on the progress of man.
Ease of Use: Average difficulty, knowledge of setting clocks and ability to drive a car.
Special Features: Equipped with a hover-conversion and fueled by garbage.
First Appearance: Back to the Future - Summer 1985
Quote: "The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?" - Doctor Brown

Name: Phone Booth Time Machine
History: Used by Bill and Ted to acquire personages from history to help them pass their history final exam.
Ease of Use: Above Average. Can be used by a couple of nit-wits.
Special Features: Can be used for magic tricks. Also travels in location as well as time.
First Appearance: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Summer - 1989
Quote: "Gentlemen... we're history." - Rufus







Name: Uncle Rico's Time Machine
History: Purchased by Uncle Rico from the Internet
Ease of Use: Impossible. Has yet to function properly.
Special Features: Destroys your ability to have children.
First Appearance: Napoleon Dynamite - 2004
Quote: "It's a piece of crap, it doesn't work!" - Napoleon Dynamite




So which is your favourite time machine and why? These and many others can be found in the Time Travel Museum - Brynbala Way; Cardiff, Wales
Write in for more details.

Time Travellers are Real!

Time travellers are real! Or are they?
Have you seen the puzzling video of what looks like a woman talking on a mobile phone? Is there any possible explanation for this? If she is a time traveller who is she talking to and how are they receiving service? Or you might assume she's simply singing along to a transistor radio. But on the other side of the coin, if a person has time travel technology, certainly they've built a better phone. Perhaps one that can place calls from anywhere in time? Also, it's not possible she's listening to a transistor radio as this film clip is from 1928 and transistor radios didn't make an appearance till the late 40's or early 50s'. The only possible way for her to be doing so was to pick one up from the future, which would mean she's a time traveller, which means she could just as easily be talking on a phone. So is this real documented proof time travel exists? Watch the video below and tell me your thoughts.

Jeffrey Scott's Interview with an Admiral

Special treat today. I had the opportunity to have an interview with Admiral Ackbar, one of the leaders of the Rebel Alliance. Unfortunately he was unable to be with us in person. We have him via the network , direct from the bridge of his ship 'Home One'. Below is the transcript from the audio interview. Enjoy.

JS: Admiral, it's good to have you here. Thank you for doing the interview.

AA: May the force be with us.

JS: So I understand with the destruction of the Death Star, there is still lots of work to do. Can you tell us where the fight takes you now?

AA: The Forest Moon of Endor.

JS: I see, so there are still a lot of Imperials to be taken care of?

AA: We've got to give those fighters more time.

JS: Just so you know, the Jeffrey Scott show is known for it's hard hitting questions.

AA: All craft prepare to retreat!

JS: Settle down, I couldn't find any dirt on you. So I've decided to ask a topical question.

AA: The Shield is Down.

JS: I hear Justin Beiber will be performing at a benefit for the New Republic. What are your thoughts on that?

AA: Commence attack!

JS: Wow, I guess you're not a Beiber fan. What's the problem you have?

AA: Our cruisers can't repel fire-power of that magnitude.

JS: That's a bit extreme. I take it you didn't authorize this, so who did?

AA: General Calrissian.

JS: That makes sense. I want to thank you for being on the show today Admiral. But I do have one last hard hitting question for you.

AA: All craft, prepare to jump into hyperspace on my mark.

JS: Joining us on-line now is Mon Mothma who claims she's carrying your child.

AA: It's a trap!

Unfortunately the interview ended abruptly.

Join us again next time as we interview another of our beloved characters. As always, feel free to send us your suggestions for guests and questions to our comments.

The Humans Are Dead - Doctor Who - Flight of the Conchords

How could I pass posting this?